The Case of the Spoiled Snowboarder

We hit the slopes yesterday on our yearly ski/snowboard trip. Off we went to My Hood; I braided my hear, put on my baggy gray cargo snowboarding pants, my new green ski-jacket that has a GPS chip in the sleeve, and outdated ski-goggles.

The weather was beautiful; the azure sky contrasting against the white snow with the brown peaks of the mountain poking through was breathtaking. To top it all off, there was virtually no one else enjoying the lovely day! I didn't have to share. Thus, we became quite spoiled. Especially me. One has to be careful of those with Spoiled Snowboarder/Skier Syndrome, also known as SSS.

SSS is caused by individuals who
1. Are practically alone on the mountain snowboarding.
2. Enjoy great company whilst snowboarding.
3. Get really close parking and don’t have to take a shuttle to the lodge.
4. Have new green coats with a GPS chips in them.
5. Eat seriously over-priced food in the lodge ($9 for a burger?!)
6. Drink expensive hot cocoa with lots of whipped cream.

So now you know what the causation is. But can you spot one? Here are some pointers

How to spot someone with SSS
1. They have matted blond braids, a red face, and a runny nose.
2. They become irate for waiting in line for a lift for more than 20 seconds.
3. They yell, “Get off my mountain, You putz!”
4. They wear baggy pants and look like punks.
5. They shout things like “Kowabunga!” and “Geranamo!”

After spending a lovely day on the mountain, I must admit, I did show some symptoms of SSS. However, I did suffer for my SSS behavior. It was my last run. I had done great the whole day with no falls to report. Against my will, I was told I needed to be back in the lodge by six. It was about 5:55. I got to the top of the run, I told myself I had four minutes to zoom down the mountain. Off I went. I expertly carved by board into the icing snow and weaved around the slower folks. I shouted “get off my mountain!” (Okay I didn’t, but I thought it). I was going fast; I was out of control. Then my board caught on something and before I knew it, I was going down the hill, only not on my board. I landed on my tushie, then my side, my coat hiked up and my bare skin scraped the barnacle-like snow. Ouch. I did horizontal somersaults, my board moving in circles, like a ceiling-fan. Finally, I stopped. I felt pain in my knees and my side. I thought to myself “Am I hurt?” I lied on the snow for a few minutes assessing the damage. Nothing was broken, but pain was visiting me. I sheepishly got up, my knees pounding with pain and slowly descended down the mountain, this time at a safe speed.

When I got back into the lodge, I lifted up my shirt only to discover a massive bruise adorning my side; it was the size of a tennis ball. Very cool! Now I can act like I’m this extreme person with all these cool battle wounds. When really, I’m just an individual with SSS.