Sunday, October 18, 2009

An Impolite Accumulation of Leaves

After several years of life experience, I have finally figured out what the problem of modern western society is. Leaf blowers.

I know, it's a pretty astounding realization and you're probably going "Whoa, yeah, you're right...huh, never thought of that culprit. There was the answer right in front of me all along!" Thanks.

This week, I had two objectionable encounters with leaf blowers.

The first, I was walking from class to my house to have lunch and then take a nap and not do my homework. When on the way, there was a man blowing leaves all over the place and a bus coming at the same time. Well, as you can imagine, there was dust everywhere, as well as leaves and bus exhaust. It was then that several flecks of dust flew into my eyes and I experienced minor discomfort. I gave the man a look of pure unbridled rage. He turned off his leaf blower and forlornly looked away, knowing he had caused minor discomfort because of his machine.

I got home and washed all the junk out of my eyes whilst simultaneously saying less than complimentary things about leaf blowers.

The second objectionable incident occurred today, I was walking in a beautiful neighborhood that had gold, orange, brown and purple leaves scattered everywhere. It was quiet and I was enjoying the "crunch" sound I was making when stomping on the fallen leaves. When, once again, I came upon a man with a leaf blower. I experienced more discomfort with the loud noises the machine was making. These offensive machines are just so loud and unpleasant and wreck any intimate moment one might be having with nature. "Hrmph" I thought to myself "I'm writing to my senator about this!"

Shortly later, I stumbled upon a woman raking leaves in her yard. And, it was just so much more pleasant. The scratching sound of the rake and the whooshing sound of the leaves going in a pile--very politely and non-offensively, I might add.

Rakes are just better than leaf blowers. Here's why.

Leaf blowers: They...

1. are uncivilized, loud and obnoxious.
2. are leading to America's obesity epidemic because they require no physical activity.
3. require batteries which is probably mined in a third world country using forced labor.
4. have plastic parts, which comes from petroleum, which causes the price of oil and other goods (like food) to go up.
5. cause health problems (specifically respiratory) because of the smell and fumes they emit.

Rakes: They...

1. are handcrafted with love.
2. require a rigorous workout and leave one with a sense of worth and accomplishment.
3. promote a positive outlook on life.
4. can be used for beautiful decorations in your barn.
5. give your life meaning.

There, plenty of evidence that leaf blowers are the cause of the problems our modern society faces and that rakes are superior. Next time you feel a need to remove the leaves from your lawn or sidewalk, please be civil and use a rake.


Rachel said...

I've actually wondered the purpose of leaf blowers, because in my experience, they just blow the leaves off the sidewalk onto the road. How useful is that? They have to do it again the next day after the wind has blown them back on the sidewalk. I have a personal hatred for them as well (the noise factor when trying to sleep in in Arizona when they came blowing around at very early hours)

Kate said...

Well Liss, I have to admit, this was pretty funny. And BIASED. Rakes are handcrafted with love? They're probably just made in a factory. MAYBE it's the leaf blowers that are handcrafted with love! Did you ever think of that? Haha.

teafortwo said...

well--SOME rakes are handcrafted with love (not sure which). You have discovered my obscene life motivation: to get the masses to accept rakes as superior to leaf blowers by using ingenious propoganda.

And, Rachel is perfectly correct, you just have to keep re-blowing them off sidewalks.